You are enough for your baby, don’t give into social or peer pressure to do everything with them from the beginning! Your baby won’t be a genius because you attended a sensory class at 2wks old, or get a better job because you bought the latest in sensory toys! Relax, go with it and trust that you are enough.
This is one I have been mulling over for a while….the reason being, we seem to be getting our knickers in such a twist over parenting recently, we seem to be making it so much harder than it actually is. When I say we, I don’t mean Mums, I mean us supposed “experts”. Us that are supposed to be supporting mums.
The explosion in baby businesses, most of which claim to support mum, in my opinion actually make life harder. The sharing of unhelpful articles, supposed research and the invention of problems that need to be solved by buying specific products or doing specific things. So many people now making money out of the mums and babies.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some amazing products and businesses out there which are doing brilliant things, but the more stuff that is invented, the more parenting boxes we create, the less we trust our instincts and the more we feel the need to listen to others.
I get really cross with my mum when she says, but in my day it wasn’t an issue, or in my day we didn’t even consider that. Because in her day the world was a totally different place, you can’t compute what happened in the 70s & 80s to what is happening now. But, she has a point…
In her day we did just parent, we didn't have half the gadgets or terms we have now. Our desire to find “normal”, our desire to not do damage to our baby, we know too much! There is no other point in the human race where we try and find so much “normal”, where we worry and stress so much as parenthood, brought about in part, by the multi billion dollar industry that is the baby market. Babies are so, so important, but mums are more important! Why? Because any good mum, the 99.9% of the population of mothers who are good, will automatically put their babies first, our job as “experts” is to put mum first!
Breast is best - for baby and for mum in some instances, but breast is never best at the detriment to mum! I saw a comment in a Facebook group the other day. Mum had posted that she was at breaking point, she had 3 children, including a 9m breastfed baby. She was living in a hostel and sleeping on the floor with her baby who fed non stop throughout the night. She said she had had enough, she was broken, and one mum decided to respond with: “I know how hard it is, but your baby is having a stressful time too, I wouldn’t take the boob away from him, that his comfort thing…” this to me is totally shocking!! Breast is NOT that important, baby will get over that!
I am a massive fan of breastfeeding, and breastfed all three of mine, but I did it because it worked for me, it was easier for me, I was lucky and it just worked,I have seen women broken by breastfeeding. There is a massive lack of support argument here, and that is a different blog, but if it isn't working, stop!
Parenting Boxes - continuing to box parenting styles continues to pit parents against each other:
Attachment Parenting - insinuating if we don’t follow a particular parenting style we will have a lesser attachment (genuinely isn’t true!)
Gentle Parenting - Again insinuating if we don’t do it all “gently” we aren’t doing it properly!
Responsive Parenting - This is something we all are, if we just let it happen, we don’t need to name it!
Baby Wearing & Baby Led Weaning - Again, there are plenty of mum benefits for these, but we are sold them as benefits to baby. I HATE the term Baby Wearing, mum is simply wearing a good sling!? Again insinuating if we do these things, they are better for baby!?
Cry it out - Always a controversial one, I don’t care how mum chooses to parent. Babies cry, fact! It is their only method of communication, and always seen as a negative. I remember one mum saying leaving a baby to cry was akin to child abuse, it isn’t. Leaving a baby to cry for days on end is neglect, leaving a baby to cry whilst you go to the loo, or put it down for a nap is not. You can’t damage a child by letting it cry anymore than you can spoil it with love.
If we stop naming these things, we stop putting ourselves in boxes, and pitting ourselves against each other.
Babies are the centre of our world as Mums, we would always do our best by our child. But OUR best is not someone else’s best. What breaks one person will make another.
Lets stop over complicating this. Drop the boxes, drop the terms and just be mums.
Your baby is massively important, we will always put our baby’s needs before our own. But YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT!! So let us start supporting ALL mums, stop making her justify her actions, just let her be mum, it is hard enough anyway!
Judgement - something we all do, it is human nature, but add it to social media, and it is a true recipe for disaster and another reason parenting is getting harder!
This blog has been sparked by a post put up by Helen Flanagan who posted on her Instagram that she was weaning, shock, horror her baby is only 5m! She was inundated with others opinions on what an awful mother she was (READ IT HERE ). Some of the comments are totally shocking!
So here we are, blog 2 on how parenting is getting harder! This week I am focussing on Social Media, Parenting Labels/Boxes & “Experts”
Social Media has exploded in the last 5-10yrs, I admit to being totally addicted, but it drives me insane in equal measures!
I can’t tell you how frustrated I get with the things I see shared, that add to mums anxieties, and take away from her instinct. Some things are beneficial, others make me want to pull my teeth out! The supposed “scientific research” we talked about on the last blog, one post in particular shared by many of my “birthing & baby” colleagues talked of the “dangers of ignoring a crying baby”. Melancholic music, images of tiny babies being left to cry, switched with older children looking sad and forlorn. Now I will say It again, ignoring a baby for prolonged periods, will teach your baby that there is no point in communicating, this can lead to damage, but this is commonly known as neglect! Very different to a mum who puts down her baby to go for wee/shower/poo, or even a mum who chooses to do “cry it out” “controlled crying” (check out the labels below).
Some things shared on social media just add to our stress, anxiety and take our instinct. It can also give us a massively false sense of how everyone else is coping! We put a front on for our social profiles, mums coping, baby happy/smiling, mum in control, the reality is likely to be very, very different. I used to be very prevalent on social media when I was at the height of a very difficult time, running recently launched business and dealing with a brand new baby and 2 other children. The most commented thing on my posts was “I don’t know how you do it”, what those people didn’t see was the chaotic, totally messy house, the husband who would frequently be on the end of my unable to cope rant, and my frequent melt downs, but none of that made it to Social Media. I talked about how busy I was, and how hard I found it, but people perceived me to be some kind of superwoman! I really, really wasn’t!!
Cry It Out, Controlled Crying, Baby Wearing, Attachment Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Baby Led Weaning AGGGHHHH I hate boxes!! All this does is put us mums in “camps” and usually ends up with us pitting ourselves against each other…”I follow “Attachment Parenting” so couldn’t possibly do “controlled crying””.
For me personally, I have never had to use “controlled crying” or “cry it out” but all of my kids have been left to cry at various points, for various reasons and for varying lengths. My third born spent most of the first 12m of his life in a sling, but I didn’t “baby wear”. By labelling stuff, we are putting ourselves in boxes, which can then impact how we deal with others. I have had so much negative (and for negative see really bloody rude) comments when I have talked about it being ok for a baby to cry. The reason is that they immediately presume I mean “cry it out” and this has been so negatively portrayed and labelled by some channels.
We seem to be totally loosing the ability to understand what is “normal” in a baby, and “experts” out there plus an array of commercial products on sale to supposedly help mum (see blog 3) aren’t helping!
Some of these “experts” are amazing and doing brilliant things, some I can't help but feel, are jumping on what they perceive to be the cash cow of the birth & baby industry. If you are reading something, or someone is offering advice that doesn't sit right, check out why they are saying it. If they have a financial interest in you questioning your instinct, or they are suggesting something that doesn’t feel right, and they financially going to benefit, you are right to question.
Sometimes the more books, website, articles and the more we listen to supposed “experts” the more cloudy our judgement gets and the less we trust that we have most of the answers, but it can be really hard to trust that in ourselves! That isn’t to say you shouldn’t list to “experts” it is to say if something doesn’t sit right, if you don’t like what you are reading or hearing, YOU ARE THE EXPERT - Trust and believe in that, I promise it Is true.
This has literally just come up on my news feed….
“How do you mummies put your little one to sleep? I feel like I’m a rubbish mum I didn’t realise you weren’t meant to let them fall asleep at the breast 😖 need some advice!”
There is no “meant to” in motherhood, you do whatever the bloody hell you want, IT IS YOUR BABY, and EVERY SINGLE one of them is different.
This has been pondering and rolling around in my head for a while now, as many blogs do! My “Babies” are now 13, 10 & 5yrs and I look at how different the “parenting” world is now compared to when I had my first 13yrs ago. It is most definitely getting harder, not because being a mum is harder, but this modern world is making it harder, I am going to try and decipher here why! The plan was to run it as one blog, but I started on the first thing “scientific evidence” and it was so long I decided to run it as a series!!
This is a blog has been rolling around my head for the last few months, with the recent dispatches program, I thought it was a timely time to write it now.
I need to caveat this with:
- This is purely MY experience, as a mum to 3 breastfed babies, and a teacher who has worked with women postnatally. I am however no breastfeeding “expert”.
- I genuinely DON'T care if you breastfeed or not, I care if you have had the choice taken away, and I will continue to campaign for better support.
- This is not for the fourth trimester - See my top tips below
- I am hugely pro breastfeeding if a mum WANTS to do it. Breast is best for a baby, but NOT at the detriment to mums mental health.
Breastfeeding will not necessarily make your baby more intelligent, healthy, or give you a better bond. But breastmilk IS the ONLY food that is 100% designed for YOUR baby. YOUR body makes it especially for YOUR baby, and it is freaking awesome stuff. I am someone who opts for easy parenting! Breastmilk is less likely to cause you issues with colic & reflux, and when you get it established it is 100% easier than bottle feeding due to a lack of having to make and clean bottles, plus it is dirt cheap!
I truly believe if we supported women who want to establish routines, and who don’t want to be quite so “baby led”, we could impact our breastfeeding rates. I also think we need to help women understand baby’s cues and what baby is communicating to us, to help them to understand feeding cues over other cues.
There are so many reasons why your baby cries, understandably when you breastfeed you automatically presume its hunger, the boob sorts everything out! But it can lead to women not trusting in their bodies, baby seems to be constantly “hungry”, and mum feeling overwhelmed by a baby being permanently attached to them.
So, as I have said, this is purely MY experience, and MY journey.
There is this assumption, or presumption, that when you breastfeed a baby you have to let baby be in control, and you end up with a baby permanently attached to your boobs - “demand” feeding. I didn’t have this luxury, I had recently opened my business, had an 8yr and a 5yr, and really wasn’t able to sit down and breastfeed for hours on end. My 10 day Midwife sign off was carried out at work in a side room because I couldn’t be at home. Now whether I was right to be working so early, is a totally different debate, I was, I needed to be, and I WANTED to breastfeed.
Here are my top tips for breastfeeding and routine:
Use the 4th trimester to learn:
A baby under 3-4m doesn't have the ability to understand consequences of actions, they can’t be spoiled, they don’t understand when they cry a boob comes or they get picked up. They cry as a reflex to a physical need, it could be hunger, pain, over stimulation its your job to work out what your baby is communicating to you, and the 4th trimester is the time to learn.
Those first 3-5m are your time to learn, you need to learn who your little human is, and he needs to learn how to integrate his body in the outside world. Don’t try pushing anything strict or trying too hard in this time, it is fruitless and will make your miserable. You can’t develop bad habits (or if you do they are quickly broken).
Your milk supply is also establishing during this time. Your body will make the perfect amount of milk for your baby, so they will feed little and often. As the fourth trimester goes on you will begin to understand how baby's feeding cues differs from his tired or over stimulation cues. Your boobs are like factories not storehouses, we need to establish a happy balance where your body makes just the right amount of milk for your baby.
See a Lactation Consultant and get GOOD support:
See a properly qualified, and trained LACTATION consultant. Get baby's latch checked and if they have Tongue Tie get it cut.
You need to know you are starting off from a baseline where your baby is feeding efficiently. It DOES hurt when you first breastfeed, but knowing what is normal and what isn’t is important as pain is subjective, so get the latch checked!
The chance of developing PND increases by 50% for those mums who want to breastfeed and can’t, in most cases women who stop feeding do so through to lack of support.
Use a dummy:
I am gonna get shot down in flames by the breastfeeding militants for this! I totally get that introducing anything into baby’s mouth that isn’t a boob COULD lead to nipple confusion, however, MY opinion is, our babies are far cleverer that we give them credit for. Adding a dummy to the calming techniques below can be a huge benefit to an over tired/stimulated baby.
Introducing a bottle
Now I wouldn’t personally do this, or express, until you feel totally established with breastfeeding. You will hear differing stories about when the “right time” is to introduce a bottle. There really isn't one, it is totally dependent on YOUR baby, and they are all totally different. Sucking a bottle is a method of feeding, and for lazy feeders, a bottle is much easier than a boob, so you do risk confusion and impacting feeding by doing it too early.
Expressing too early can lead to an over or under supply, remember your boobs are factories not warehouses, they will make the milk you need, if you express you run the risk of your body making more (potentially getting blocked ducts/ mastitis) or taking away what your baby wants to drink. Wait until you feel established and in a happy routine of feeding (this may well change with growth spurts etc, but you feel generally in control of it).
Use calming techniques:
Your baby will cry for reasons other than just hunger. The best way to calm them in the 4th trimester is to recreate the womb. Wrap them up tight (swaddle, sling or hold in firm arms), move (rock) them & ssshhh them (white noise/hoover, or simply sssshhhhh close to them). You need to be PATIENT with this, you need to do this for a good 15/20mins (set a timer). This is a really useful technique to help read those early cues.
Trust your instinct:
You WILL have an instinct for all this, you just need to find it and trust it.
Do what feels right and BE HONEST:
If you DON’T WANT to breastfeed that is fine, it isn’t for everyone and that is OK. Again we have to move the focus to mum rather than baby.. If YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT, DON’T AND DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. And don't make those that do feel guilty for their choice, lets stop ripping each other down, and start building each other up! Parenting is hard enough without all this added extra shit on top of it!
We are getting our knickers in such a twist over parenting. Lets put power back into mums hands, support her and let her do what she feels is right!
So I actually DID try Gina Ford with my first, 13yrs ago (shock horror, what a bitch)…I have to be honest parenting was a whole heap easier then than it is now! There really wasn’t the judgemental crap around then, and to be fair most of the crap today is spouted by so called “experts”.
There has been an explosion in the “baby business” in the time I have had children, now I fully accept I am part of that! When I first started teaching 10yrs ago there were very few classes, now the market is saturated!
THIS IS NOT A BLOG ON NATURAL BIRTH VS CS....
Birth is so important, sadly many of us don't realise how important until we have actually done it!
It is a subject I could talk about all day.!! It is bloody amazing! But it comes in so many different ways, it doesn't matter what way it comes, as long as it is YOUR way, and YOU feel like you had an element of control.
It isn't HOW you give birth, but how you FEEL about that birth...As a society we are managing birth more and more, and with that comes difficulties. In some cases, birth absolutely needs to be managed, and inductions and interventions save millions of mums and babies lives, however WE need to play a part in that process.
Nothing should happen in your birth or your labour without your consent, the terminology used sometimes can make us think that things are happening that we have no choice over. You need to understand the options and choices, YOU make an informed decision. We talk about the BRAIN acronym in class (Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Instinct, Nothing). There are benefits and RISKS to EVERYTHING we do, we must understand them all to make an informed decision.
If we feel that things are happening that we didn't choose, or that we don't understand, we begin to feel out of control. I am not saying we can control labour, we can't, babies tend to do that, but we can control ourselves. We can understand a situation and feel like we are part of the decision making process, therefore feeling an element of control. We can understand adrenaline (next blog), we can understand its impact, how it is designed to make us feel, a primitive and instinctive response to many things, but most importantly how we can control it. It doesn't really matter what is going on around you, if you feel calm and in control within yourself you have a far better chance of having a positive outcome. Birth Trauma is real...
"Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder"
Cheryl Beck (Nursing Research January/February 2004 Vol 53, No.1)
The Birth Trauma Association states:
"It is clear that some women experience events during childbirth (as well as in pregnancy or immediately after birth) that would traumatise any normal person.
For other women, it is not always the sensational or dramatic events that trigger childbirth trauma but other factors such as loss of control, loss of dignity, the hostile or difficult attitudes of the people around them, feelings of not being heard or the absence of informed consent to medical procedures."
Giving birth is a huge event in any woman's life, we gear up for the actual birth, sometimes not thinking past how it will be when the baby is here. Those first few hours, days, weeks and months pass in a blur. Breastfeeding is rarely as easy as we think...the chances of developing PND are 50% higher in those mums who wanted to breastfeed and couldn't, birth trauma can have a devastating impact on the early hours and days of breastfeeding.
Newborn babies are hard work, no one tells you how hard, a mix of sleep deprivation, sore nipples (sore everything!), and massive hormone surges makes those early hours and days difficult, without adding birth trauma (or worse PTSD) to the mix.
Some of us need to take in all the information we can get our hands on, some of us are better with the bare minimum. Choose a course that suits you, but choose it so that you can prepare for YOUR birth.
Birth via CS, next to a lake with a baby deer present, or in hospital taking as many drugs as you want, it doesn't matter, what matters is YOU and your birth partner, and that YOU are part of the choices and decisions made.
This is something I have been thinking about for a long time, and even though I don’t do New Years resolutions, one of them, if I did, would be to give more time and importance to ME.
Since having kids nearly 13yrs ago, both my husband and I set up our own businesses, so money has always been in short supply. I readily buy the kids clothes, but the thought of buying something for myself is a total luxury! Our grand plans of making sure we make time for “us” with regular “date nights” has fizzled into a meal once every 5/6 months if we are lucky!
What I wanted was a family, children, babies! I wanted the weekend walks in the park, pushing my gurgling, bouncing, bonny baby, holding the hand of my husband! I wanted pub lunches where the baby would sit quietly whilst hubby and I reminisced about how big said baby was getting, how life was passing us by so quickly, we must cherish it!
Preparing for Birth? Why do we need to do it? Women have been giving birth since time immemorial! However, life is changing, back in the old days, even only as far back as the 40s, 50s, 60s, we didn't have the knowledge or the social media presence to allow a good and bad story to travel around the world so quickly.
I have spent another 15mins (at least) “enjoying” a rant with my wonderful Midwife friend! We were ranting about antenatal provision for you mums, the reason we are ranting, is because we are seeing women STILL coming through to us who have had either crap, wrong or totally misguided information at their antenatal class.
Parenting in my opinion is hard, and it is getting harder…not because parenting itself is getting harder, but the society we live in is making it harder! We know too much, we are all trying to find reasons and diagnosis for everything, we blame ourselves for everything. Human beings are incredibly complex creatures, we can’t put one behaviour or attribute to a particular thing that we as parents did…for example, I blame myself for my daughter getting eczema, in my head, it was obviously something I did when she was a baby. Was it because I introduced formula too early? Or because I used too many Baby Products on her from birth? My boy has a stammer, I have been offered “parenting” workshops, which immediately, in my head means it was caused by something I had done! You need to have a pretty thick skin nowadays to be a parent!
This is one of hardest questions faced by a new mum, why is my baby crying? There are lots of reasons a newborn baby cry’s, in this one I want to explore reflux.
Reflux in babies is baby bringing up milk frequently, or silent reflux where a baby will suffer the effects of the milk regurgitation but don’t actually bring it out.
It is a relatively common and usually occurs because baby’s food pipe (oesophagus) is still developing. Babies usually grow out of reflux by the time they turn 1.
So much bloody stuff is needed for a baby? Really? Do you really need all this stuff?? Seriously, no you don’t!! There has been an explosion of baby paraphernalia in the last 15-20yrs.
The baby market is a multi BILLION dollar industry! The more “stuff” we think we need for our babies, the less we trust our instincts and rely on "us" to give our babies what they need.
So what do you actually need to buy? The below is based on my own opinions and experience, working with thousands of parents postnatally and my own three children.